Blessed Are the Maternal?

My dog followed me to the bathroom today, so I had to give him a big lecture about boundaries. It ended with me crying and eating jelly beans because I used the analogy of John Lennon's death.


I think I got through to him though. He didn't follow me in again. I wonder if that had anything to do with the fact that I left the jelly beans unattended on the kitchen floor? I have a feeling being "responsible" means you don't leave confectionary on the floor with unsupervised dogs.


Being maternal isn't something I seem to have been blessed with (is it a blessing?) When it comes to real little people aka babies, I just do not fucking understand what to do with the little shitheads (correction; CUTE little shitheads).


I think the fact that babies are so goddamn cute makes me threatened. I tend to insult them when I talk to them or I act like they understand the complex things I tell them ("Cheese GOOD! Your foot, NOT good") and then become frustrated when they don't pay attention to the life lessons I'm so generously teaching them.


For instance, my sister's friend left me in charge of her four month old baby whilst she showered.


I took the baby to my laptop and played music clips for it, carefully explaining how the man in said clips was my future husband. When the baby didn't acknowledge his beauty I became frustrated and, well, a little disappointed with it. So I took it to the kitchen and sat it on the bench.


By this time the thing was dribbling all over itself and sticking it's tiny hands in my mouth. So naturally I had to give the baby a lecture about the rules of dribbling in public - that it's only ok when in the presence of tantalising food or men (or you're completely wasted and trying to look super alluring). My mum walked in during this in depth talk and told me to try and be a little more "normal" and not lecture a four month old child.


Also, how the fuck are you meant to be affectionate with a dribbling mini-human who doesn't understand the concept of not sticking its hands in people's mouths? What are you meant to do with them? I kind of patted it for a bit and then remembered you can't touch a baby's head because they have that "deactivate button"...


So I guess I'm not maternal but I am really good at important things like remembering to not be a crack head. In the end that's all that matters.


NOTE:


Do you think if Kim Kardashian ever had a kid its arse would be as big as hers? Seriously picture that for a second and then rethink your anger towards the ending of her "marriage".