Wednesday, 7 December 2011

The Ginger

(AKA spawn of the Devil, soulless, dead inside, probably not very good at things like knitting or thinking.)
I’m very saddened to report that not only do I now live with one, but it’s one of my closest friends. You could probably put us on a TV show because we’re like an experiment - how does a ginger infiltrate the world of a beautiful, funny, talented, witty, beloved blonde (me)?
I’m still trying to figure it out. 
On the outside (red hair aside) she appears quite normal. She knows how to speak in coherent sentences, she’s well aware of the importance of breathing, she even eats. It’s what’s inside that I’m now most concerned about. 
I first noticed about six months ago when it moved in, that its hair could be found everywhere. EVERYWHERE! You’d be surprised the amount of times I’ve received a perfectly new package of clothing only to open it and find a long, lonely strand of devil hair. 
Obviously that article of clothing is burnt immediately. 
Every now and then it'll do its laundry and then walk out of its room laughing, holding a pair of my undies -  “oh Emily! Look what I found in my laundry!” 
LIES! There’s no doubt about it, the Ginger is a perverted freak!
I can’t prove it just yet, but I know it sniffs my clothes whilst watching me sleep...
I’m not going to lie, I fear for my life. 
This ginger knows everything about me and now that she’s able to spy on every aspect of my life through the guise of a strand of hair, well I’m shit scared. 
I go nights without sleeping, not because I’ve drunk too much chocolate milk before bed or because I’m just so curious as to what in the fuck Pippa Middleton is going to wear to work the next day, but because I know that not fifteen meters away it’s just lying in wait...probably so it can feed on my soul.
Some may say it’s a coincidence but don’t you find it a little odd that the night she moved in, our apartment was robbed? Some of its stuff was taken as well but that could all just be a front. 
What I think really happened was it sent a message to the mothership (or Devil, I haven’t figured out where it comes from) and they sent down (or up) teeny tiny bugs that have since infiltrated the apartment and are so minute they cling to sheets and clothing fibers, slowly reproducing and building an army that will soon rise from my bed or wardrobe and engulf me.
Like ginger flames. 
I’m telling you guys, let this post be my record; my ginger roommate is going to destroy me...or worse, transform me into one of them. 
I’m so unprepared for when it attacks that I don’t even know what to keep under my pillow. A stake? Silver? A machine gun or just a packet of hair dye? 
For the safety of all humanity, scientists need to stop wasting their time on trivial things like curing cancer or growing organs and devote all their attention and resources to studying this alien/monster/Devil spawn.
This is a precarious time and with their type infiltrating into society (SO FAR AS THE GODDAMN ROYAL FAMILY), it’s time to prepare for the inevitability of war.

NOTE: Given the nature of this beast, expect future updates. Unless it eats me or whatever they do...

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